injustice

You haunt my dreams, keeping my mind awake all night
Relentless images run through my mind, startling my consciousness
I wake in a panic, secure in a world away from where you are
My mind sees you with unveiled eyes, the path of destruction you leave
Though worlds apart we may be, my heart aches just the same
Aching for what I’m unable to do, what’s left to do
The questions run through my mind when awake
Confusion and desperation settles in while asleep

God is breaking my heart… oh how His heart breaks

autumn

Have you ever thought about the life of a leaf? Just think, its life is quite interesting – it is only through death that new life begins in the spring. With each new bud, beauty arises until a leaf is formed; like so many others. In springtime we enjoy the disappearing snow and regenerated life; in summer we take it for granted. As summertime takes hold of our senses, each leaf looks very much like the rest. It is not until summer fades into autumn that we are able to appreciate each leaf, with its unique characteristics. Autumn, in all its beauty, is only the mark of death to come. Why then did God make it so beautiful?

take an honest walk

Shivers run down my spine, as I step off the train platform. Just as the sharp wind hits my face, the intrusive sights insult my senses. Crude words are heard above the hustle. Black coat professionals rush past the man; he sits there, unconcerned at the disregard. His cloths are tattered and dirty, matching his weathered face and hands. Wrinkles run deep around his eyes, as his leathery cheeks jut sharply in towards his mouth. Fortunately I have no change in my pockets, so I can at least tell myself I would have given.

Graffiti is strewed along an entire brick wall; ‘tags’ cover stop signs, bus stops and shelters. Glass covers the sidewalk where a bus shelter once stood. Women with their heads covered stand close, as they speak in a foreign language. Korean teenagers tumble out of a building; obviously a language school. They don’t seem to be speaking any of the English they have learned. One mom, younger than I, pushes her rackety stroller down the uneven sidewalk. As a cigarette hangs carelessly off the side of her mouth, I cannot help but feel sorry for the child she is hiding.

I continue walking, pulling my jacket closer as I seem to be moving in slow motion. Businessmen rush past me in hopes of missing the poverty and catching their train. Exhaust permeates the air as cars rush past. People impatiently wait for allowance to walk. Suspicious shadows linger at the corner; their large jackets hide what they sell, their faces worn with addiction. Mysterious as they appear, God’s image still imbedded. The challenge to see them not as they appear is obscure.

A man is now shouting; he looks worn and weathered. He speaks of Christ’s love, the only redemption. Drug dealers, prostitutes, druggies and strangers, curse all alike as they rush to avoid him. Some shout back swearing, others agree; the truth of his message, can anyone see? Once a dealer himself, he can’t help but declaring, the change he’s experienced is alarmingly real. Only four months ago, his life was a wreck; full of drinking and drugs, his entire existence. Then Jesus took hold of his life, removing the crack from his veins; the power of the Gospel, so relevant, so alive. He continues to shout and to dance and to pace; his mission is simple, it’s written all over his face. Carrying deep compassion for the brothers he had, his life has been changed, given over to God.

I listen a while to the message he preaches; I agree, I believe, that’s the message we’re missing. In our comfort and warmth, we hold up in our houses, the power of change, of redemption; salvation. We weren’t given this message to hold onto ourselves, but to share and declare; so simple, we’ve missed it. With each beat, my heart warms to the thought of declaring, the truth that God’s given, I haven’t been sharing. Nervous and scared, I wonder how to begin; slowly words bubble, my mouth moves at the thinking. A boy approaches, much taller, younger, but bolder. Standing too close to comfort, I answer his question and share the shouting man’s story. He says he believes, but he’s gay, so un-Christian. Looking lost, his confusion takes on a new meaning. Slowly frustration that has built up in his heart erupts like a wildfire, anger with sparks. He continues to shout as he walks onto the train; a searching soul, continuing in vain. I utter a prayer, as I know he’s forgiven; He died for us all, not just those that He’s risen.

Walking further away, past the noise, past the shouting, I can’t help but wonder what God is thinking. Looking in on the scene, I see staring, I see questions. What would I think if I were standing, unbelieving? An inconvenient clatter, adding more noise to my chaos; stop imposing, stop preaching, my suburb life is waiting. Where is Jesus in all this mess, the drug deals, the child prostitution? Why these problems, this chaos, this disease? My city, beauty it possesses, the mess is hidden away. Our eyes can’t comprehend what’s before us; we ignore and dismiss. If only our time, we would give to the dying. He’s waiting to change, to heal and to mend. Using us as His medium, unreliable and faulty, His message corrodes. Souls are dying, lives are lost, hopelessness permeates the daylight.

Returning back to the commotion, I feel a spray across my face. Unaware at its origins, I look to the sky. Apartments clutter my view, stacking bodies into boxes. As I look up, another orange rains down upon the shouting. Tough and mysterious, those shadows appeared; they now run as they giggle under shelter. Unaccustomed, I leave this culture behind me, moving onto the train, where similar company awaits me. Alcohol floods the train car, as a group of First Nation people stumble by me, out the door. My warm home awaits, familiar smells and security. Grateful for what I have, challenged with what I see; moved to action in my sorrow.

my vision... what's yours?

To humbly and intentionally facilitate and inspire personal growth through authentic, trusting relationships around the world.

"are you for real?!"

The oddest thing happened to me last night...

I was working at Starbucks, as per usual... When two guys came in. Nothing out of the usual... We often get customers.. However, there were no other customers in the store.. Which was weird... We offered them chocolate cupcakes. They declined (okay, something's up). I repeatedly asked them the Starbucks question - "what can I get started for you?" and they were so uncertain. Kept saying "I don't know", while starring at the menu. I was just about to tell them they were the most indecisive customers I'd ever met when..

The one guy started shifting his feet, put his hand inside his jacket, and said "... I hate to do this to you..."

(I said) "what?!" (honestly confused to what he could be going for...)

(he said) "I hate to do this to you... But what is the time on your safe?"

(I honestly had no idea what he was getting at... Call me slow)

(he said) "How much time is on your safe?!"

(I said) "There is no time on the safe."

(He said) "There is no timer on your safe?"

(I said) "Well yeah, there's a timer on the safe, but it's not going off anytime soon..."

(He, obviously frustrated with my lack of understanding) pulls a 10" hunting knife out of his jacket, and demands all the money in the safe.

It was then that I called over to my co-worker, that was in the cafe sweeping, to come over to help me out.

At that point, a women in her 40's entered the store, saw the knife, started screaming "oh my God, oh my God", started crying, and ran out of the store. It was then that I realized it was real.

With the knife pointed at us the entire time, my co-worker and I pretty much discussed the situation with these (awkwardly polite) robbers. My co-worker told them that there was no way she could get into the safe, because there was no management working.. And that all we had was what was in our till. They wanted what was in our till.

It was then that I informed them it was less than $150, and asked them if they really thought it was worth it. My co-worker asked them if they really needed the cash that badly...

The one guy (the only guy that talked the entire time) told us that yes, he needed the money that bad.. But it was partly political - that he hated Starbucks, and the corporation. At this point I'm thinking "what an idiot. I think this guy is the most ignorant person I've ever met" (I wonder if my face showed it...). But honestly, this poor guy probably goes to the university across the street.... Had been brainwashed into believing that all the evils in the world have been created by or through corporations...

After we handed over the money, they thanked us, before exiting the store. I then called 911, and they came within minutes. What an odd experience - polite robbers.

Don't get me wrong, I was scared. It was a weird experience - one that I never thought I would have in my lifetime... My biggest fear is robbers - they are irrational. If this dude was irrational enough to hold us up at knife point for a mere $135... He was probably irrational enough to actually use the knife for it's intended purpose. A part of me is just really sad for the guy. How desperate do you have to be, to make $135 worth it... What drives you to that point? I don't think I want to know.

This whole experience makes me wonder why it happened to me... I don't want to get too spiritual on you... But who knows, is there a purpose in all this? Which maybe scares me all the more...

It makes me angry that this was 100% white collar crime. It makes me angry that we have the privilege of robbery... Disgusts me... They were totally run of the mill guys - normal in every standard. Makes me wonder.... As I was sitting in Starbucks today, I got uncomfortable. I started looking around, at all the "normal" people, and it got me wondering.. You never really know... I realize that sounds very paranoid... It won't last long. I'll return to Starbucks tomorrow... But nonetheless... This experience affected me... And that fact - makes me angry.

a test

Even the word gives me anxiety. It is hard to explain. A rush of adrenaline, my pulse races, my emotions swell to an uncontrollable height... as I sit, and wait for my Prof to hand over my doom. Yes! I'm talking about taking a test. Sad I must say, how I feel... somewhat delapatated. This girl has a great weakness.. and alas, I am sharing it with the world. Crazy if you think about it. This really happens to me a lot. I have a really difficult time proving my knowledge within a school setting. Even speaking up in class is difficult.. I almost have to be convicted before I open my mouth. This state is not normal.

So when I'm asked how I am... this is my reality. Of course, I will most often times slip, and say "I'm doing good, and you?" So much easier, the norm.

What a busy time... Christmas... sad really.

We have moved into our house, all showers are officially running, and we've already had our first house guest. The smell of Christmas is nearly here, as the temperature takes a nosedive; the smell of fireplaces fill my old neighborhood. I'm afraid this Christmas will be unlike the others... we're still working on finding a tree in all this mess. This is one of those tough seasons... a test.

what a trip!

I just have to tell you that I had the most amazing vacation so far. Not because I saw the best sights, met the most interesting people (though I did!), it was more because it was nothing like I had imagined it to be. Let me explain...

While away, I met Krissy's entire fam (which was pretty incredible!), went out with them and had an amazingly fun time. I was slowly brought into the west indian culture through food, music and how they talk! It was a ton of fun.. though I got absolutely NO SLEEP!

After Krissy flew home to Calgary, I oddly stayed around, hanging out with Chris.. doing little to nothing.. which was exactly what I needed. Honestly, I have been so extremely busy while at home, that I haven't been able to just be. We went mini-golfing one day.. but other than that, there was a lot of cribbage and batgamad played (woohoo!).

I will now begin to describe to you the muskokas... But no matter what I say, I do not believe I will bring any justice. The lakes which are commonly known as the muskokas are huge and beautiful. They are surrounded by trees and rocks... it almost feels like you are in the mountains... except that the water is unusually warm. The sunsets are always amazing, giving way to the most spectacular combination of pinks and purples, caressing the huge expanse of water, before the sun nessels itself for one more night.

Camp was an amazing experience - because it was nothing like I expected. I thought that I would be ultra-busy and stressed out... But the counsellor side of things were a lot different. I ended up having a ton of time during the day to myself. The God time that I had was incredible, sitting at the foot of one of those beautiful lakes I just told you about, having all the time in the world. The greatest part of it all was that I had nothing else on my mind. There was nothing to consume my mind or divert my attention... So I had incredible times of reflection, re-prioritizing and refocus time.

My trip ended by spending a few days at the Finnie cottage. It was a perfect time for me to just be... and let things just soak up... Get me more in a mindset of returning to reality. I have not yet, in all my vacations, felt so at home, as I did when I was away this time.

I was not looking forward to coming home. I was not looking forward to the flight. The cramped seats, and the recycled air... I like to travel.. I do not like the coming home part. My flight was far better than I thought it would be as well. Honestly guys, I was totally blessed this whole time. Incredible! Anyway.. there was only one empty seat on the entire flight.. and it ended up being next to me!! I was so stoked about that.. and my seat was close to the front of the plane (not over the wing, as per usual!). I originally asked for an aisle seat, as you usually have a little more room, but I was convinced into taking a window seat.. and it was a spectacular view:

As our plane was waiting for takeoff from the Toronto airport the sun was making it's depart from the sky. The blue sky faded to orange as our plane made a picturess departure. For the rest of the flight, I do believe our plane was chasing the sun. Honestly, it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen! As we headed further west, the sun remained close to the horizon. It was not until the third hour into the flight, that the horizon began to disappear. There was only a faint blue marking the distinction of land and sky. As we flew further, the line would reappear. It was one of the most beautiful things... to chase the sunset across Canada from the sky. I have that picture still in my head when I am writing this.

I leave you with that. I feel refreshed, ready to take on the world. My circumstances are difficult right now, with things going on with my uncle. I may leave you with an update on that later if you are curious... Keep praying. There is little time. Be blessed guys.

birth control conclusions... for now at least

Since beginning my investigation on birth control, many questions came up, and it definitely produced more conversation than I thought it would! This is just not something we usually talk about in church... so if you are still wondering, check it out. I'm not going to lie to you, it's pretty long... so take it in chunks. It's worth a read though. We need to be educated!! If you do want to look into birth control more, a great book to look into more would be Birth Control for Christians by Jenell Williams Paris. Decide for yourself.

Since the beginning of time, birth control has always been something every woman needs to consider. There have never been so many options as today. The issues surrounding birth control are not just associated with cost, effectiveness and the advantages/disadvantages of each method, but the moral debates that surround each method are significant in choosing which method is best suited for the individual. For the most part, birth control is viewed as an individual matter within the church, kept behind closed doors. Lately, things such as birth control and sex are no longer taboos, but can be talked about within the confines of appropriateness. Varying views exist on whether or not birth control should be used. Some believe that all birth control is acceptable and beneficial for maintaining world population and growth. Others believe that it is acceptable to “limit the family, if the method is self-control by abstinence and continence… [however, they] forbid the limitation of the family, or contraception, by chemical, mechanical or other artificial means”. There is also the argument that some birth control is acceptable, while others are not. What follows will be an examination of each argument as well as of the following birth control methods, including behavioural methods, barrier methods, hormonal methods, IUDs and permanent solutions to birth control, as well as the factors one must consider in order to decide what is best for the individual.

Traditionally Catholics view contraceptive methods as obscene, although many practicing Catholics use birth control in protest to the church. At first, this view may be discredited due to the lack of awareness of their reasons. Pope Paul VI advocated that permitting birth control would hold grave consequences. The pope described four consequences that would ensue due to the introduction of contraceptive availability. Making contraceptives available to the public, according to the pope, would open the road for marital infidelity and ultimately a widespread degradation of societal morality. This was later proven, as the physicality of dating escalated throughout the twentieth century, encouraging young single girls to become flirty and sexy, gaining experience sexually in order to please their man. Bringing contraception into the marriage bed would create an easier opportunity for the man to lose respect for the woman, as the man would then be tempted to look at his wife as a mere instrument for self enjoyment. Contraception allows a man to remove himself from the consequences of his actions. A third consequence for permitting contraception would be that birth control, in the hand of governments, could be dangerous, as it allows genocide, population control and can enhance governmental manipulation on the population. This was proved when over seventeen states in America approved involuntary sterilization of the mentally retarded, insane and other “undesirable people”. Also, the US government allowed the testing of birth control pills on thousands of ignorant Puerto Rican women. Women were not told what was being tested on them, which consequently caused either temporary or permanent sterilization, painful side effects and sometimes even death. Finally, contraception provides people with a false sense of self-delusion. People believe that they are in control of their lives, taking any governance away from God. While this is the traditional belief set of a Catholic, many others believe that all types of birth control are wrong. Since the Pill began to be sold in 1960, divorces have tripled, out-of-wedlock births jumped from 224,000 to 1.2 million, abortions doubled, and cohabitation soared 10-fold from 430,000 to 4.2 million. Half of those seeking abortions were using birth control! The Pill today prevents even fewer pregnancies than it prevented 30 years ago.

Sam and Bethany Torode, in their article Make Love and Babies argue this point from an evangelical background. They are presenting a somewhat different approach, counter-cultural to evangelical Christianity. There are both positive and negative things that can be taken from their point of view. It is not clear whether or not they believe that sex can be used as a form of pleasure, or if it is merely a means for procreation. They argue that by “subtly elevating pleasure to the place belonging to procreation and unity, we may be unconsciously buying into our culture’s hedonistic pursuit of pleasure as an end in itself. They agree that with the entrance of birth control. There is a danger in treating each other’s bodies as objects, using them for purposes other than what they were intended. They argue that what is done with our bodies is also done to our souls. “Each sex act simultaneously symbolizes and renews the marriage covenant… it mysteriously speaks of the union of Christ and the church.” Therefore, contraceptives would be severing this link deliberately. They do agree with “family planning” or NFP (Natural Family Planning) because the “periodic abstinence (prudent self-control) preserves the integrity, symbolism, and sacramental wholeness of each sex act. The one-flesh union is neither diminished nor compromised.” It is proper for a couple to use the natural timing as a method of birth control, rather than employing an unnatural method, in opposition to God’s plan. Childbearing should be embraced as a gift, with joy. In the mystery it is to be reverenced once again.

A majority of the evangelical Christian community has approved the use of birth control. It was not until after the development of modern science that regulation on contraception and abortion became stringent in the Christian community. For generations, abortion was forbidden, though it was acceptable for a woman to “quicken” menstruation by drinking a sort of herbal poison, inducing menstruation early in the pregnancy. This was acceptable due to the belief that the baby was not considered human until the mother was able to feel movement (which is around fourteen weeks). With scientific discovery, there is now evidence of life at conception, as the embryo forms. This makes many other forms of birth control unethical. However, many Christians are unaware of the ramifications of their birth control decision. Christians require more guidelines than “no sex before marriage” and “no abortion”. There are far too many grey areas which Christians have become ignorant to. The different methods of birth control and their ethical implications will be discussed below. Generally, birth control is endorsed inside of marriage, with careful and restrained use. It is not the method necessarily that makes contraception right or wrong, but the motive. Children should not be avoided on account of luxury, selfish ambition or convenience. It could be argued that birth control in North America is then continuously abused by those inside and outside of the Christian community alike. However, it is contested that birth control improves marriages, allowing a couple to freely express themselves in sexual love and intimacy without the fear of pregnancy. Inside this debate, there are obvious birth control methods which would be viewed as unacceptable, which will be discussed below.

There is a third argument to this debate. All forms of birth control are acceptable. These forms also include abortion as a form of birth control and forms of hormonal and mechanical methods which create an uninhabitable environment for the embryo. The argument behind this position would attest that a woman should have the freedom and availability to do with her body whatever she likes. There is dispute regarding when would be too late to abort the embryo, though all abortion could really be equated. This belief is outside of Christian beliefs and would be, on a whole, be considered unethical. There is more care for the woman than for the possible new life that she is carrying. The sense of responsibility is lost as the rights of the woman override all else. Since there are no definite instructions on birth control in the Bible, there is a certain umbrella of grace people fall under. This however, is outside of God’s purpose for any individuals. There are consequences far reaching, beyond our limited understanding of human rights. In order to have a proper perspective on birth control, it is important to have a right relationship with yourself, God and the technology of birth control.

Understanding the reproductive systems is important in order to understand God’s plan for your sex life and your fertility. For instance, most people do not know that a couple is only fertile for approximately ten days per month. Therefore, it is not completely necessary to use some form of birth control for the entire month! It is essential for every woman to understand what is involved in each type of birth control due to the ethical ramifications. Each option will be described with pertinent information, as each small difference can carry huge weight. Many women are unaware of what exactly their contraceptive is accomplishing, and therefore could be committing ethical crimes unknowingly. God has created a cycle in which women are able to get to know their bodies. Birth control is a form of interrupting this fertile period. One method of preventing pregnancy is behavioural methods. Behavioural methods prevent an egg and sperm from producing an embryo, while being immediately reversible. This includes self-observation methods. When used properly and consistently, these methods are quite effective, having a very low pregnancy rate overall. Since it is natural and reversible, there are many advantages to these methods. There are a few disadvantages to these methods, including: these methods require daily attention, it may be more complex for some women, it requires the cooperation of partner and it requires more time and energy. Withdrawal (coitus interruptus) is another behavioural method, though not used due to its low efficiency, has been considered as a sin, due to the passage in Genesis 38 where Onan uses this type of birth control. It has to be noted that God does not kill Onan due to his choice of birth control, but because of his motive behind using it. His sins were not using birth control, but disobedience, deceit, selfishness and abuse. Christians should be wise about not only their choice of birth control, but their motives behind choosing it.

Barrier methods, though unnatural and less effective, have been used by Christians. Barrier methods would include using condoms (which prevents the sperm from coming in contact with the egg), spermicides (which destroy the cell membrane around the sperm, causing the sperm to die) and vaginal barriers (which include the diaphragm, sponge and cervical cap). Vaginal barriers work in two ways, both to provide a physical barrier from entering the cervix, as well as holding a spermicide that kills sperm. Though each barrier method varies in effectiveness, none of these present ethical dilemmas.

The most commonly used contraceptive by Christians and non-Christians alike are hormonal contraceptives. It is therefore pertinent to understand the possible moral consequences of each method. Most hormonal contraceptives are now called “combined” hormonal contraceptives because they prevent pregnancies by delivering both progestin and estrogen. This can be delivered through use of monthly injections, the patch, the vaginal ring or the pill. They usually work in three ways. First, they prevent ovulation (no egg is released and pregnancy is avoided). Second, hormones thicken the cervical fluid, keeping sperm away from the egg; and third, these hormones alter the development of the endometrium, preventing implantation of the embryo in the uterus. The effectiveness of each method varies, as well as the side effects and advantages and disadvantages.

It is interesting to point out that while this is the most commonly used method of contraception, there are significant disadvantages in comparison to the above stated methods. This method may not be completely reversible, and may cause temporary or permanent sterility. Hormonal contraceptives raise ethical questions, as they may cause severe side effects and they alter the endometrial lining, preventing implantation of an already formed embryo. Many Christians oppose hormonal contraceptives for the following reasons: These risks and side effects are viewed as poor stewardship of the body, hormonal contraceptives damage marriages, as a couple is left to rely on technology above God. Moreover, sex is always available when there is no need for abstinence. The virtues of self-control and respect for the woman’s body and cycle are lost. Finally, Christians have argued that these forms of birth control cause abortion. “Medical doctor Chris Kahlenborn testified to the FDA that “a woman who takes the oral contraceptive pill will have at least one abortion for every year that she is on it.” Yet, millions of pro-life Christians use the pill when they are told by their doctor that hormonal methods are a safe and effective method of birth control. The question remains, are hormonal methods of birth control abortive? There seems to be no clear answer, though it seems as though this issue should not be so murky. To get a better understanding of this debate, one must concentrate on the weakening of the lining (the third job of hormonal contraceptives). It must be noted that when a woman is taking hormonal contraceptives, and only when ovulation is not prevented (unlikely) and when the egg is fertilized (even more unlikely), that this ethical question comes into play. It is then, that an embryo has been produced and has the ability to imbed in the endometrium. For Christians who believe life starts at conception, this lack of imbedding is ethically problematic. These hormonal contraceptives therefore kill life at its earliest development. Conversely, it has not been proven that the uterine lining is thinned when a woman is able to ovulate. According to several Christian doctors, it has only been proved that a women’s lining thins when she is not able to ovulate. They “conclude that while a theoretical risk of abortion exists with hormonal methods, it is not a known risk and so does not carry the ethical weight of a known risk. Finally, professionals sit on both sides of this argument, making it even more difficult to decipher the truth. It is clear however, that if a woman is not regular in taking these hormonal contraceptives, that she will be able to ovulate and be able to have a weak uterine lining, playing an abortifacient role if the egg is fertilized. It is important to realize that about 50 percent of women who take the minipill (progestin-only pill) continue to ovulate regularly, while implants and injections prevent ovulation nearly always.

“Emergency contraception” (often called the “morning-after-pill” not to be confuse with RU-486) and IUDs (Intrauterine Device) are not contraceptive. Women who have had unprotected intercourse (controversially, rape) are often offered emergency contraception as an option. This method terminates the embryo before it has implanted in the uterine lining. Since, according the medical community, a pregnancy begins when the embryo embedded in the uterine wall, this is completely acceptable. If you believe that life begins when an embryo is formed, this would be considered abortion. There are many disadvantages to IUDs (including ethical consequences) that would possibly hinder future pregnancies or cause serious problems to a new life if indeed an embryo was able to embed. Though firm conclusions about IUDs have not been researched thoroughly enough due to lack of funding.

Finally, there is a possible option for permanent sterilization for both men and women. In both instances, zygotes (egg and sperm) are prevented from expelling. Though there is still a very slight possibility for pregnancy, this method is usually very permanent. There are both advantages and disadvantages to this method, though there are few ethical concerns. There is huge controversy surrounding involuntary sterilization of the mentally retarded or insane, though that is completely different issue which cannot be covered in this paper. It could be argued that surgery would be impeding on God’s power, though this is a weak argument, surrounded by Christian’s acceptance of alternate surgeries.

During my countless hours of research, I was able to talk to many women in my congregation about birth control, as well as coming across numerous testimonies. This facilitated me in allowing me to take a solid position. Originally, I was under the impression that birth control was a straight forward topic, vacant of ethical debate. No sex before marriage and no abortions. Due to the lack of Biblical instruction, I was forced to look to many other trusted resources. Upon further investigation, this clear subject became very murky. Birth control is a private issue that should not be, on a whole discussed publicly, especially not in church! This is slowly changing, although the resistance that it is meeting. First of all, since there is no specific Biblical instruction on birth control, I believe God has allowed for a margin of discretion. Not to sound cliché, but one must pray about this issue within the confines of marriage to find a conclusion appropriate for their family. Motive is definitely more important than method, as God does not call us to be selfish or comfortable. God does call us to be good stewards, and to be smart about our lives. Abstinence inside of marriage (as a means of birth control) is wrong (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Though I am not married, I do believe that it is ethically acceptable and beneficial for a couple to practice temporary abstinence each month, as a means of birth control. Due to the abundance of grey areas within this subject, many of the methods described above can be viewed acceptable, so long as you are okay with inserting foreign objects or hormones into your body. I do not feel comfortable with the amount of side effects to the Pill or the thought of working around foreign objects within the marriage bed. I do believe that with the introduction of birth control, a woman’s body could easily be taken for granted, and not listened to. I believe that God has created the man and woman in the way He did in order for His creation to discover every part of it. God created a woman with a cycle to explore, not control. He saw that it was good – the way He made it. Agreed, the woman’s body was different prior to the fall. God’s plan does not stop here because He is sovereign. I believe that God created the woman’s cycle to bring a couple together. Through using the self-observation method, a couple can decide to get pregnant whenever they desire, as it is reversible at any time. Nothing about this method is unnatural or foreign. During the abstinent times, this allows for creativity within the couples relationship, fostering different expressions of intimacy. This method also promotes an increased awareness by both partners about the woman’s reproductive health, which cultivates an appreciation for the human body, God’s design and the process of reproduction.

If you have any questions.. or want to talk about, I'm totally up for that. Thank you for actually getting through this whole thing!!

conversation with God

This past weekend was retreat. There was a time of communion, and I just was not there. The following was a conversation, drawn out much more by time, that occured right before I finally came to a place where I could commune with God...
God: Come. Commune with me.
Me: I am so unworthy. How can you call me your own?
God: Come. Commune with me.
Me: I have such little faith. I feel so very far away. I feel so very alone.
God: I am here. I am not an unmoved God. I have come so that you may have life.
Me: Is your presence supposed to be so comfortable?
God: Stay awhile with me, won't you?
Me: How is my view of you so messed up?

God: Oh it isn't that bad. I am your Father. I love you. I came for you Heather. You know all these things. Just believe them.

Me: My view of you is stale. It's boring. Change that please. I desire for adventures with you. You aren't a safe God. I'm sorry for making you one.

God: The adventure has already begun!

Me: I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not caring. This race can be confusing sometimes.

God: I've been here the whole time.

Me: Where does all this lack of self worth from? You invite me to come meet with you - but I feel like I can't.

God: You are my child.

Me: Come meet with me. Be real.

God: I am.

Me: You are Wonderful, Mighty God and Prince of Peace. The Lion and and Lamb. I praise you because I love you. I am only beginning to know you. Let my love grow. Let my passion grow. Show me who you are.

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you. Sacrifice and offerings you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced. I desire to do your will, O my God. The Lord be exalted!

- Psalm 40

heartache and longing

Through whatever you are going through, there is heartache and longing... and through this, we learn so much about love, perhaps even more when you feel you have never had so little.

A quote from Walter Trobisch:

Love is a feeling to be learned.
It is tension and fulfillment.
It is deep longing and hostility.
It is gladness and it is pain.
There is not one without the other. Happiness is only a part of love - this is what has to be learned. Suffering belongs to love also. This is the mystery of love, its beauty and its burden.
Love is a feeling to be learned.
It pays to suffer lover's grief, if sacrifice is learned. The art of giving up, of letting go, is the most important art to be learned.

We tend to worry a lot.. about everything.. but think of this: Necessary, big things in our lives take place without us doing anything: birth, death, resurrection. Therefore, rest well in God's good love. Rest open hearted, open headed and open handed in His presence.

Be before Him in all surrender, submission and love.

martha or mary?

...Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made... "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." - Luke 10

Do you ever feel as though there are so many things going on around you - many things that need to be done, yet you are missing out on something? I find myself easily busied by the "things" that need to get done... but what is more important? Am I discovering who Jesus is through all of my busyness? I'm really not. I feel like I'm being caught up in this busyness.. and it being called "ministry". I find myself wanting to take these kids OUT of the church, so that they will be able to really discover who Jesus is... I want to discover that too. What is the point of all of these programs we spend so much time preparing?? Is this what ministry is supposed to look like?

Have you ever sat through an entire car ride in silence? Is there always something going on around you? I do think that we are all missing out on something spectacular... How can we hear God's voice when everything is so loud? If only I could quiet everything... even in silence the thoughts running through my mind can be deafening.

How can we go from a Martha posture into a Mary posture?? That is my question. There are so many expectations...

Sit at the feet of Jesus just a little while, won't you.

a bona fide manuscript

au·then·tic: verifiable origin or
authorship, therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief

What does it mean to be authentic? I don't know if I can tell you. I will be the first to admitt that I have become a guarded person.

I am sensitive... maybe more than I am willing to admitt. I have come to a place in my life where I want to... I need to be completely authentic... And that is living faithful.

I do not know the answers, I do not know myself. I am figuring things out as they come... I know I'm not the only one, but I am willing to be real. I'm willing to be here.

If you decide to read on, be gentle. This is my heart. This is authentically me.