conversation with God

This past weekend was retreat. There was a time of communion, and I just was not there. The following was a conversation, drawn out much more by time, that occured right before I finally came to a place where I could commune with God...
God: Come. Commune with me.
Me: I am so unworthy. How can you call me your own?
God: Come. Commune with me.
Me: I have such little faith. I feel so very far away. I feel so very alone.
God: I am here. I am not an unmoved God. I have come so that you may have life.
Me: Is your presence supposed to be so comfortable?
God: Stay awhile with me, won't you?
Me: How is my view of you so messed up?

God: Oh it isn't that bad. I am your Father. I love you. I came for you Heather. You know all these things. Just believe them.

Me: My view of you is stale. It's boring. Change that please. I desire for adventures with you. You aren't a safe God. I'm sorry for making you one.

God: The adventure has already begun!

Me: I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not caring. This race can be confusing sometimes.

God: I've been here the whole time.

Me: Where does all this lack of self worth from? You invite me to come meet with you - but I feel like I can't.

God: You are my child.

Me: Come meet with me. Be real.

God: I am.

Me: You are Wonderful, Mighty God and Prince of Peace. The Lion and and Lamb. I praise you because I love you. I am only beginning to know you. Let my love grow. Let my passion grow. Show me who you are.

I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you. Sacrifice and offerings you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced. I desire to do your will, O my God. The Lord be exalted!

- Psalm 40

heartache and longing

Through whatever you are going through, there is heartache and longing... and through this, we learn so much about love, perhaps even more when you feel you have never had so little.

A quote from Walter Trobisch:

Love is a feeling to be learned.
It is tension and fulfillment.
It is deep longing and hostility.
It is gladness and it is pain.
There is not one without the other. Happiness is only a part of love - this is what has to be learned. Suffering belongs to love also. This is the mystery of love, its beauty and its burden.
Love is a feeling to be learned.
It pays to suffer lover's grief, if sacrifice is learned. The art of giving up, of letting go, is the most important art to be learned.

We tend to worry a lot.. about everything.. but think of this: Necessary, big things in our lives take place without us doing anything: birth, death, resurrection. Therefore, rest well in God's good love. Rest open hearted, open headed and open handed in His presence.

Be before Him in all surrender, submission and love.

martha or mary?

...Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made... "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." - Luke 10

Do you ever feel as though there are so many things going on around you - many things that need to be done, yet you are missing out on something? I find myself easily busied by the "things" that need to get done... but what is more important? Am I discovering who Jesus is through all of my busyness? I'm really not. I feel like I'm being caught up in this busyness.. and it being called "ministry". I find myself wanting to take these kids OUT of the church, so that they will be able to really discover who Jesus is... I want to discover that too. What is the point of all of these programs we spend so much time preparing?? Is this what ministry is supposed to look like?

Have you ever sat through an entire car ride in silence? Is there always something going on around you? I do think that we are all missing out on something spectacular... How can we hear God's voice when everything is so loud? If only I could quiet everything... even in silence the thoughts running through my mind can be deafening.

How can we go from a Martha posture into a Mary posture?? That is my question. There are so many expectations...

Sit at the feet of Jesus just a little while, won't you.

a bona fide manuscript

au·then·tic: verifiable origin or
authorship, therefore worthy of trust, reliance, or belief

What does it mean to be authentic? I don't know if I can tell you. I will be the first to admitt that I have become a guarded person.

I am sensitive... maybe more than I am willing to admitt. I have come to a place in my life where I want to... I need to be completely authentic... And that is living faithful.

I do not know the answers, I do not know myself. I am figuring things out as they come... I know I'm not the only one, but I am willing to be real. I'm willing to be here.

If you decide to read on, be gentle. This is my heart. This is authentically me.